Well, I have begun my next blanket design. Despite the January gloom and the relentless, exhausting fog of ‘missing my mum’, an idea has popped into my head and refuses to bugger off.
Strictly speaking, this is a design that I sketched out last summer, not a new idea. But back then I was both deeply involved with Wheatfields and also struggling to look after Mum, and designing wasn’t on the cards. The sketch was put away until it was time.
I’m still struggling, though for different reasons, but the design has wriggled back into my brain and refuses to be quiet, so here we are.
To say it’s going well so far would be a massive overstatement. I know exactly what I want to achieve with this, but I’m having trouble turning it from an idea into a reality. I’ll get there in the end – I always do – but today I looked at my first finished square and went ‘no, I can do better’. A 16″ square that I am now going to redo entirely because it isn’t quite working well enough, and I can’t live with ‘good enough’. It’s got to be right. I stared at that square this morning and heard Mum’s voice in my head. ‘You’ve got to do it, Catherine,’ she told me. ‘You won’t be happy if you don’t.’
She’s right, of course. Although being right means my second square will also have to be redone. SIGH. Let nobody say that being a perfectionist is easy.
I know it doesn’t help that I’m pretty exhausted right now. The strain of the last few months (last few years, maybe?) has really done a number on me and I feel brain-foggy and weighed down – and that’s without adding in the emotional stuff. If I were sensible, I’d set it aside until I felt better and do something simpler, something more mindless, for a while. But I never claimed to be sensible, and this design just will not let me be.
So I’ll re-work the pattern to get it to where I need it to be, and hopefully the second square will only need very minor adjustments. It may take me a week or so to recover the ground, but it’s not like there’s a rush. Better to be right than fast.
It’ll be worth it in the end. I can see it all, in my head. I’ve picked my colours and know where I’m going. The journey is just proving a little rougher than normal!