I am a perfectionist. Absolutely a perfectionist. I acknowledge it, I own it, it’s part of who I am, as a person and as a crocheter. That’s okay. It’s what drives me on, what pushes me to stick with it, particularly when designing – the knowledge that I can achieve perfection, as long as I keep trying.
But sometimes it is a bloody nightmare. Sometimes it means I spend the entire afternoon working and reworking squares, comparing and recomparing them to each other to make sure they are exactly the same. A millimetre here or there doesn’t matter, right? Except sometimes my brain seizes on that millimetre or two and maginifies it and I end up getting tighter and tighter – mentally, physically, and with my hook! Checking one square against another, over and over and over…
They’re all the same, right? They look the same. Any differences are so minute that it won’t make any difference in the finished blanket. And yet! Over and over, today, I’ve been checking and rechecking, over and over and over again, until I was so tense I was practically tearing my hair out and almost on the verge of tears. Oh yes. I got that stressed. About minute differences in size between squares.
I drive myself barmy, sometimes, I really do.
I do have a tendency to get tighter, particularly when I’m doing the same pattern over and over. A blanket composed of one square pattern makes me particularly susceptible to it. The first few are fine – a nice, even tension while I get to learn the pattern. Then once I know it, and can do it without thinking, that’s when I get faster and get tighter. I know I do it. That’s why I constantly check squares against each other to make sure they’re all coming out the same size. And usually, apart from the odd millimetre or two, it’s all fine. I’m aware of my tendency to get tighter, so I compensate for it.
It’s just sometimes that niggling doubt gets into my head, that terror that I’m getting too tight without noticing it, that desperation to make everything the same. Everything perfect. Being a perfectionist is great – until it’s not :S
In the end, today? I had to frog four squares, leave them in little yarn balls, and go and have a long, hot soak in the bath. Then I came back to it, calmer, determined to get it right, and redid all four. And yes, I got them right this time. Tension is its own enemy.
Onwards and upwards, and tomorrow is another day. Perhaps tomorrow is the day when I learn how to relax my standards? Probably not. That’s okay. I am what I am. I wouldn’t be me if I weren’t a perfectionist.
I could just do without my crochet tension causing me other kinds of tension 😛