Still here

Posted on by catscrochetcorner

Life has been very strange and difficult over the last few weeks, as I’m sure you can imagine. There have been lots of hospital visits, lots of firsts, lots of heartbreak.

Immense amounts of that last one.

I gave birth to my baby boy on 6th May, and though the whole thing was awful, it was also as good as it could possibly be – lovely, in a way. And that’s thanks to the midwives. I was able to hold my baby for as long as I wanted. They called him by his name and talked to him like a living baby. They made hand and footprints, and took photographs, and treated him and me with such compassion and such care that I came away with…not happy memories, exactly, but memories. Beautiful memories of my tiny baby who, even at just under 24 weeks gestation had, very clearly, my mother’s nose!

I buried him on 24th May, in the same grave as my mum. And again, it was awful, it was the most awful day – but it was also lovely. It was a beautifully sunny day, the woodland burial ground was full of life and peace, and I was surrounded by family and friends who never knew Matthew, but who came because they love and care about me.

Grief is a funny thing. I keep saying to people that I’m okay but at the same time I’m aching with loss. There’s not a minute of the day when I don’t want my baby. I miss feeling him moving inside me, I miss the planning and preparation I was doing – I want him, constantly. But I’m getting out of bed every day, I’m getting dressed and dealing with personal care, I’m eating and drinking. My brother’s gone back to his own life now, so I’m even dealing with actually thinking about what I’m going to eat, rather than leaving it entirely in his hands! I’m doing okay. As long as it’s understood that ‘okay’ encompasses both grieving and coping.

I’m not, however, crocheting. At all.

And that makes sense, to me at least. For the last few months, pretty much everything I’d been crocheting was for my baby. Cardigans, a blanket, booties, rattles – all gender-neutral, because of course I didn’t know the gender until the 20 week scan, but all for my much-wanted and loved baby.

For a few weeks I physically couldn’t bring myself to pick up a crochet hook. The project I’d been working on, a patchwork curtain type thing (to pull across the archway between my kitchen and my living room) wasn’t baby-related, but I still couldn’t pick it up. Instead I turned to adult colouring books for my creative outlet, something I’d never considered before but which has been giving me much-needed mental breaks.

I’ve tried crocheting since, but it was too soon. I worked on a square or two, but it just…didn’t feel right in my hands. I’d picked it up more because I felt I ought to than because I was ready to, and so I put it down again and returned to my colouring pencils.

It will come back; I have things I want to make, and ideas for designs that I’ve been cultivating quietly over the last few months before all this happened. But it’s not back yet.

That said, I will be releasing a pattern next week – I worked on it at the beginning of the year, and I’m pleased to finally be able to share it all with you. I think I may have mentioned a super secret Stylecraft Blogstars project, and if you go and have a peek at Stylecraft’s social media you’ll see they’ve begun to tease about what we Blogstars have been up to.

So I’ll be popping in next week to share my pattern with you all, but then it’ll probably be back to a bit of radio silence until my ability to crochet comes back. But as I said last time, don’t worry about me – I’m doing alright, given everything.

xx

Catherine

P.S. I couldn’t reply to everyone who commented on my last post – it was too difficult. But I appreciated every single message. Thank you all. It really meant a lot.

17 thoughts on “Still here”

  1. My heart aches for you. This is a beautiful post and I hope and pray each day you will find strength and peace. Your love for Matthew will live forever and he will remain in your heart. Take care and be kind to yourself. ❤️🙏🏻

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  3. Sending you love, strength and encouragement. What a strong person you are. Your baby boy will be with you always and will watch over you. Your Mum will be with him and will love him and comfort him and he has endured loss too. One day at a time, look after yourself and do what you need to do. Jackie

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  4. I still find it hard to know what to say that could help – you already know your crocheting will return, you are already looking after yourself. This is the time to quietly remember the kindness, care and love that has been shown to you and your baby son (who has his grandmother’s nose ♥) in a way that will make sure your memories will be untarnished and beautiful.
    And, in later years you will have these wonderfully written posts/newsletters to reflect on.
    With more prayers and thoughts.

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  7. You’re doing exactly what you need to do in order to cope. We appreciate the update. Thank you for thinking of us during this time. Grief is a very personal and individual process. Jesus loves Matthew so much and Matthew is so blessed that Jesus has a place for him in Heaven. May God bless you and keep you safe and protected and loved by all.

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  8. Never having been a mother I can’t begin to ‘be’ with you, Catherine. But I do know about grief, because I lost my totally beloved husband, when he was only 68, to lung cancer. He was positive and resilient and allowed me to deny it all. You, on the other hand, had no such possibility ..
    Grief changes us: it strips away everything familiar.
    But all those things will return, one day. Just believe.

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  9. You are right where you need to be. Allow time to be your friend and your ragged heart to guide you. Light always follows darkness, eventually. Right now, in this space, it is all about you. Blessings on you, and peace be with you.

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  10. Thankyou for letting us know you are doing okish – grief is a strange process of letting go, holding tight and knowing that nothing will be the same again.
    Reading this, you can be proud of yourself, you are looking after yourself and giving yourself time and space. I’m so pleased that Matthew’s birth and his funeral were both as good as possible and that you have those precious memories of holding him.
    Holding you in the light x

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  12. I feel for you. You will always have your precious baby boy, Matthew, and your beloved mother in your heart and soul. They will always be with you. I hope that will be of some comfort to you.
    Be kind to yourself, follow your heart and take one day at a time. You have already been strong in sharing the emotions of the six months with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Jayx

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