My baby

Posted on by catscrochetcorner

This is not the post I thought I would be writing next.

I thought I would be talking about the baby cardigans and rattles I’ve been making. The blanket I’ve crocheted. The fact that my most stand-offish cat has decided she loves me, actually, because she can smell all the pregnancy hormones.

Instead I need to tell you all my bad news. The worst possible news.

At the 20 week anomaly scan, everything was looking good, but the baby was lying in an awkward position, so I had to go back a week later for them to complete the scan and get views of his heart.

When I went back, the sonographer saw something in my baby’s heart.

They called in another scanner for a second opinion, and it was confirmed: they could see some problems.

This was a Friday afternoon at about 4pm. I was referred straight to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London (the best of the best of pediatric medicine), and a fetal midwife came to talk me through what would happen next.

GOSH called me within the next half an hour, and could see me the following Monday afternoon. My brother was with me for the repeat scan, and stayed to come to London with me.

GOSH found several very serious congenital heart defects. They see 20 babies a year with the most severe condition he has. His poor little heart is completely malformed. As long as he’s in my womb, he is happy and healthy and kicking about with joy. The moment he’s born, he will be struggling for oxygen. He will be fighting for life.

They explained the prognosis. They explained the surgeries that would be essential. They gave me time to ask questions. I said I couldn’t possibly terminate. We went away and got home.

I kept thinking I couldn’t terminate. I heard my baby’s heartbeat and feel him moving. But the reality kept sinking in. On Wednesday I went out to visit my mum’s grave. And I realised there is only one choice that will be kind to my poor little baby.

The local hospital saw me on Friday and once I’d clearly stated my decision, admitted they thought I was making the best choice in the circumstances. I spent a lot of time with one of the specialist midwives. I cried a lot.

Next week I go on Wednesday for the first stage, and on Friday for the second stage. My brother will be with me throughout.

And I will be able to hold my baby, and kiss him, and then afterwards I will be able to bury him.

I can bury him in the same grave as Mum. It brings me immense comfort, more than I can say, to think that I am giving my poor baby to Mum to look after.

His name is Matthew William Bligh. My little Matty.

I’m probably not going to be here for a while, but I don’t want you to worry about me. I have my brother, I have wonderful friends, I will not be alone if I don’t want to be. I just don’t feel I’ll be able to engage with the wider world much.

Take care of yourselves xx

35 thoughts on “My baby”

  4. So sorry, nothing can express in words what you are going through. Take the time to heal and grieve. Love and gentle embracing hugs x

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  7. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself, take time to recover yourself and to grieve as much as you need. Love and hugs. Sincerely, Jay x

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  11. So sorry. Heart breaking choices and decisions to make. Strange to say but this is the best choice for all of you. I hope sending matty for mum to look after can give you some comfort. Xxxx

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  12. There are no words – this is a club of grief that no one joins voluntarily. Know that while the path is hard – there is love and support available as you move forward. Putting Matty’s needs before your own is the definition of being a mother. Aching to hold in your own arms is also. So many prayers for your family’s journey!

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  15. That is terrible news and I am so sorry you’re going through this. Of course you’re going to need time to introspect and deal with your emotions and we wouldn’t expect you to blithely carry on talking about crochet while grieving. Much love.

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  17. Dear Catherine
    I am so sorry to read what you are going through. There are no words but I am glad you have family and friends to support up you in your sadness
    Jo

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  18. So sorry to hear the news Catherine, your health is so important too at this time, take as much time as you need and you will know when you feel like reconnecting with the outside world again. Your Mum will take good care of Matty .  Thoughts and love are with you and Matty Wendy

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  19. I cried for you, Catherine. My heart bleeds for you. But your decision is the correct one; and although you will always wonder “what if ?”, you are showing absolute kindness and selflessness. Maybe one day ..

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  20. Oh, Catherine! Like everyone else who has commented, my heart is breaking for you and your family right now. You have been so brave, making the decision to spare your precious little Matty the pain and suffering of struggling to survive. I hope the thought of him in your Mum’s loving arms will bring you comfort in the days, months and years ahead. You will never forget him, but I hope that you will find some measure of peace in the knowledge that you made the right decision for your child, one that demonstrates the true meaning of motherhood. Accept all the love and comfort offered by your family and friends, and give yourself all the time you need to grieve and heal. We will all be thinking of you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  24. Oh Catherine this is beyond sad for you. I am so so sorry. Lovely little Matty. A very brave and hard decision to have to make. You are in the toughest of tough places right now. I’m glad you could share your story and share your utter grief, I hope it can give you a tiny bit of comfort to know we are all here. No one could fail to feel for you right now. I am just so very sorry you are having to go through this dreadful sadness and grief. What a position to be put in. Big big hugs to you xx

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  25. You are incredibly strong to have made the decision you have and you have my respect and love for doing so. I too believe you have made the right choice. You will also be giving your Mum precious Matty to look after. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

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  26. Not an easy place to be, but what an incredible decision to make. Try to find a place in your heart to make it okay for him to go. Sending oceans and oceans of healing love

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  27. I’ve no idea what to say, that’s dreadfully sad. You’re very brave, & what a decision to have to make. I’m sure you’ve made the right one. No child should have to face all that trouble, pain & everything. I think you’re saving him, not terminating. Helping him, for sure.

    Thinking of you as you struggle through this fight, & then say goodbye to Matty. Sometimes, things happen for a reason, maybe. My parents had decided they wanted two children. My elder brother was born, but only lived a few days. Then they had my brother, Mike. I was their third baby, so if their first baby had lived, I may never have been conceived, & had such a lovely life.

    Try to look forwards, I’m so very sorry this has happened to you, Best wishes & hugs, Sara x x

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  31. Oh my … no words what a decision to have to make.. sending you love and kindness .. be kind to yourself

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  35. I can do nothing but cry. So, so sorry for what you have lost and what you are going through. May you find peace when grief takes its leave.

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